I don’t mean to do it. It just happens. I kill houseplants.
To be fair, I’m only talking about two houseplants. Currently, the one that is dying off is a poinsettia we bought from some kid in our neighborhood. I didn’t really want one, but I bought it anyway to support the Boy Scout troop or Karate Club or whatever thing the kid was in.
Then, I just always forget to water my plant. I’m actually staring at it right now. The once green lower leaves are wilting and turning a sad shade of brown. It’s like it is saying to all of us, “Goodbye Christmas cheer. Now it’s time for me to die.”
I’ve never watered the plant anyway. I can hardly remember to empty the cat’s litter box. How am I going to remember to water some stationary thing that doesn’t command my attention ever.
Actually, it is just because I don’t ever want to make the effort to water it. I’ve often thought, “I’ll go get you water, little guy,” and then make my way to the kitchen. Once I’m there, I’ll grab some pretzels and a soda, and then think, “Ahh. The plant’s fine.”
The other plant that died, I blame on the cat. Sylvie, our cute little mackrel tabby cat, decided to bite the crap out of every leaf on it. Then after feasting on the plant, Sylvie started barfing all over for a couple days straight. She was puking up chunks of her cat food right next to her food bowl for a while. I was like, “Goodbye, plant. You poisoned the cat.” Then I chucked the little plant in the trash.
We called the vet to see if it was the plant that poisoned the cat. The vet said no and determined it was deep hairball that was making Sylvie puke. We bought some gross greasy anti hairball paste that Sylvie loves to lick up. The puke problem was resolved.
We probably didn’t even have to throw that one plant out. Oh well. Too late. That plant’s dead, just like the poinsettia is going to be real soon. Maybe I should water it. Nah. Poinsettia’s are like cacti or some other desert plant, right? It’s fine.