With great power comes great responsibility – Voltaire
I have an iPhone. This might not be a big deal for most people, but I went from a flip phone with no internet capabilities to the holiest of holy handheld devices in the world. Apologies to people that use a different brand of smartphone. Your phone might be the best. This technologic troglodyte doesn’t know any better.
There is a problem though. The soft glow, the smooth outer shell, the feelings I get when I hold it close. Its intoxicating! I need to develop a contract so I use this power responsibly. But why put it down when I can do anything with it. What’s the weather like? Who just emailed me? Where’s the best place for a taco in Menomonee Falls? My iPhone knows. I want to stare at it all day. Oh, such beauty. Such grace in a lacquer coated polycarbonate case.
When I pull my phone out, I have the world wide web right in my hands.
Sometimes I point it at my cat after chanting, “By the Power of Grayskull, I HAVE THE POWER!”
Unfortunately there hasn’t been an app developed yet that will transform my house cat into a beast that I can saddle up and ride to work. I’m sure someone is coding that program right now. Without further ado, these are the rules that I will follow so I use my iPhone responsibly. I’ve been around other adults who could benefit from these rules too, so feel free to share this article with them.
1. I won’t use my iPhone while driving. Since my job doesn’t require chasing criminals or wrestling alligators, by far, the most dangerous thing I do everyday is drive my car. I don’t need to make it harder by texting and driving. I figure since I didn’t read while driving, or try to write notes to people while I’m behind the wheel before I had my phone, I shouldn’t start trying to do it now.
2. I won’t use my iPhone when I’m talking to another person. I’ve never got up and left someone in the middle of a conversation to go look at my computer to see if someone just sent me a message, so I probably shouldn’t start doing that now.
3. I won’t use my iPhone when I’m eating with my family or friends. Food tastes good. I also enjoy talking to my wife and kids. Why would I want to distract myself from delicious breakfast cuisine like Life cereal while having a conversation with Bob the Builder about the intricacies of creating a starburst pattern on the Rainbow Loom.
4. I won’t use my iPhone to broadcast on social media where I am currently vacationing. The reason for this is twofold. First of all, I get really jealous when other people use their phone to post a crappy picture of some exotic location that they are vacationing. “Look at me! I’m really happy in Tropical Paradise,” they say. Well, I’m not happy for you, jerkface. Secondly, this is just an open invitation to shady characters that you or your family isn’t within 500 miles of your home, so there will be little resistance when I, umm… I mean, when someone wants to steal your stuff.
5. I will look past my iPhone’s 1136-by-640 pixel resolution at 326 ppi and occasionally enjoy the real world. Life beyond the screen appears in color and resolution even better than HD, and I don’t even need to wear glasses to make it 3D. When I’m at a game, I’ll just watch the game. When I’m at a family gathering like Thanksgiving or Christmas or a kid’s birthday party, I’ll talk to the adults and wrestle with kids. When I’m at a party, I’ll party. Someone else can document my activities.
6. I won’t take any selfies.
Got a friend or family member that needs an iPhone intervention? Get all the people that care about this individual together, take the offender’s phone away, and share these rules with them. Then again, I wouldn’t mind if you emailed this article to people, tweeted it, shared it on Facebook, Gave it a plus one on Google, took a picture of yourself reading it and post it on Instagram…