I was reading an article posted on the Forbes website that said just eight percent of the people who set New Year’s Resolutions actually achieve them. The article went on to explain how people met their resolutions, but I lost interest after seeing things like “hard work” and “be realistic”. I came up with a different plan.
I will set twelve goals for 2014. If I achieve one of them, statistically I will be better than average at New Year’s Resolutions. I did the math.
One out of twelve is just over eight percent. I might as well shoot for some big things because if I hit on one, I’m the champion of 2014. Eat it, Forbes.
Here are my 12 New Year’s Resolutions.
1. Publish my first book.
2. Go to bed before 10:00 pm every night. Nothing good happens after 10 pm, especially for people who are 37 years old. (P.S. It’s 9:58pm right now. You can stop reading because the rest will probably be garbage.)
3. Buy a boat.
4. Win the Lottery. I know I won’t buy a boat unless I fall into a pit of money.
Before I list number five. Here’s a joke.
Ed prays to god every night with the same prayer.
“Dear God. Please, let me win the lottery. I would love it if you would let me win the lottery.”
This goes on for years and years. Finally one night, while Ed is praying, the clouds rumble, the heavens part, and God appears before the man. Ed stares up at God and says, “God! Oh heavenly Father. Are you here to answer my prayers? Are you here to tell me I won the lottery?”
God shakes his head and says, “Ed. Would you at least meet me halfway and buy a lottery ticket?”
5. Remember to buy lottery tickets.
6. Take the kids tubing, skiing, or wake boarding on my new boat.
7. Go fishing on my new boat.
8. Go fishing with my brother on my new boat.
9. Go fishing with the kids on my new boat.
10. Go fishing while my wife catches a tan as she lies on the front of my new boat.
11. Try not to hook my wife with an errant cast as she lies on the front of my new boat.
12. Grade papers and return them to students in less than a week from when I collected them. (This one is hilarious)