My wife is a very patient and caring mother, but a recent event with Ivan the Terrible pushed her to the edge. She now refers to our youngest son as That Kid.
Ivan is four years old, and if there is any window of opportunity for him to wreak havoc, he will break through that window, and then torch the whole building for good measure.
Across the street from our house is a huge empty lot where dump trucks unload piles of dirt. We’ve had plenty of rain the past few weeks, and some of the water has pooled in between the mounds of dirt.
My oldest son, Bob the Builder, ran into our garage and took scrap lumber over to the empty lot. He put the lumber down an created a bridge that crossed the wide muddy pit.
Ivan the Terrible didn’t think of these wooden planks over the soggy mud puddle as a bridge. He called it a diving board. Ivan walked on the planks into the center of the mud puddle and did a cannonball. Mud flew everywhere. Ivan then stood up in the middle of the mud, grabbed mud from the edge of puddle, and threw it at any kid that came near.
Bob ran back to our house and ratted out Ivan. “Mom, Dad! Ivan is jumping all over like a crazy person in the mud and he’s throwing it at everyone.” We walked across the street to extract Ivan from the mud pit.
The only way I could hold Ivan and not get muddy was to extend my arms out as far as possible. I walked back home holding my mud covered child like I would carry a stinky, poop filled diaper.
That’s when my wife lost it. ”Just look at you, Ivan!” she shouted. ”You’re a hot mess. Why do you have to be That Kid? Now we’ve got to hose you down.”
I stripped off Ivan’s mud soaked clothes. Lisa turned on the hose and blasted him with it, head to toe. Ivan shouted, “Its too cold!” and made a break for it. He ran butt naked across the front yard. I chased the streaking Ivan down, snatched him and brought him back to the hose. After he was relatively clean, we took That Kid in the house for a bath.
When I was sitting in the bathroom as Ivan took a bath, I asked him, “Why’d you jump in the mud, Ivan?”
He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and said, “I had my water shoes on.”