Carol’s Cookies on The Walking Dead #CarolsCookies (68/365)

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Did you see the latest episode of The Walking Dead?  Carol scared the snot out of me!  She is in the middle of stealing some guns in the new town they are living in, and a random kid catches her in the act.  The kid says he has to tell his mother, and Carol goes dark.  She said some of the most sinister things I’ve ever heard.

Carol was all like, “So kid.  Don’t tell your mom or else.”

The kid was like, “Why not?”

That bothered Carol so she said, “Because I’ll give you some cookies.”

The kid was undeterred, and replied with, “But I tell my mom everything.”

Then things got real.  Carol got all up in this kid’s personal bubble and said, “Not this you won’t.  If you tell mom this, I’m going to do some wicked bad things to you.  You’re going to go to sleep, and then when you wake up, you’ll be tied to a tree.  You can scream all you want, but no one is going to hear you.  Actually, something is going to hear you, but it’s not going to be your mom.  Instead, it will be the zombies that hear you.  They’ll come out and tear into your flesh while you’re still alive.  How’d you like that, little buddy?  So don’t tell mom, and I’ll make you some cookies.”

I’m not a huge Twitter user, but I sent out what I thought was a hilarious tweet about the different kinds of cookies that Carol could make for that little kid.

I got zero retweets and zero favorites.  Apparantly, other people were funnier than me.  Here’s some of my favorite responses to the hashtag #CarolsCookies.

How about some nice prepackaged chocolate chip cookies.

Here’s a few more that made me laugh even though I shouldn’t.

I need to put a stop to this.


Survival Sunday – Day One of The Walking Dead Scenario (46/365)

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I am addicted to survival shows. I love them, but I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because my life is so incredibly cozy and wonderful, I am thrilled by these challenges.  Maybe it’s because I like watching other people suffer.  I’m not sure.  Do you watch any of these shows?  The Walking Dead, Survivor Man, Naked and Afraid, Man vs. Wild.  They are all incredibly fascinating to me.  Now, The Walking Dead is a drama, unlike the other three reality TV shows, but they all have similar qualities.  Basically, it’s you versus the world.

Because of my love of these shows, I often think about what I would do in the same situations.  How would I handle myself?  Well, quite simply, I’d probably cry a lot and then die.

Now, let’s say I could back my life up a bit.  I don’t want to even consider the apocalypse right now, with my family.  Instead, I’d like to pick a time in my life before I met my wife, before we started a family.  Here’s what I would do.

THE WALKING DEAD – HOW TO SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE – DAY ONE

Back around the year 2000, I lived with my brother in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  I was in peak physical condition, because I just graduated from UW-Oshkosh where I ran track and cross country.  I also had taken up lifting weights that spring, and probably was as strong as I ever will be.  My brother is a piece of iron.  He’s always been in great shape.  For me, this would have been the ideal time for the world to collapse into a state of complete chaos.  What a ridiculous thing for me to think!  I know.  Anyways, back to the story.

Let’s say the city of Milwaukee was overtaken by the zombie hoard in summer months.  My brother and I survived the initial chaos, but we still find ourselves at the apartment building on 91st and Dixon.  What would we do?

Step one.  At the break of dawn, we would flee the city.  A higher population means a greater chance at getting swarmed by walkers or zombies or the living dead or whatever you want to call them.  We would each load up a backpack with food and water.  My brother had a bike, but I didn’t at this time.  One of us would ride the bike and carry the large backpack.  The other would run nearby brandishing a 33 inch 31 ounce maple baseball bat.  Also, I would strongly consider wearing my catching gear, or at least the shin guards.

IWillSurvive

We most definitely would not take a car.  The streets would be clogged with broken down vehicles or other obstacles that I guarantee we wouldn’t be able to traverse in my 1982 Buick LaSabre.  It felt like I was driving a boat in that thing.  The easiest way to escape the city from our location would be to head west.  I would stay away from the main highway.  Interstate 94 would be a giant path of death.  We would stick to the side streets.  Using a bat as a weapon instead of a gun would help us to remain quiet.  Also, our biggest asset comes from our speed and endurance.  Any time there was a threat of being swarmed by zombies, we’d just turn the other way and run or bike.  I don’t think very many zombies can crank out a sub five minute mile.  Once we make it out of Milwaukee, and through the large suburban area of Brookfield, we can make our way towards Hartland.

Step two.  Rescue Mom, Dad, and Bad Sister.  You might ask, “How would you know that Mom and Dad would still be in Hartland during the Zombie Apocalypse?”  Trust me.  I just know.  My dad will never leave there, even during the zombie apocalypse.  According to Google Maps, its about 22 miles from the apartment to my Mom and Dad’s residence.  If my brother and I split time on the bike, we both would have had to ran 11 miles.  Let’s say we ran at a solid pace, but didn’t push it too hard, plus we had to make some stops, or change route a few times to avoid a zombie mob, I’d say we’d get there somewhere between three to four hours.  We’d arrive around lunch time.  Mom would be happy to see us.  Dad would be happy too, and we’d talk about how it sucks that the Brewers season has been cancelled.  My sister would tell us some helpful scientific stuff about surviving in a world of zombies.   Then, Mom would probably make us a sandwich, or we’d just raid her cupboards like normal.  Now, I know my dad wouldn’t want to leave, so I’d have to have a secret meeting with Bad Sister.  Once we devised our strategy, we’d cajole Dad into leaving the house.  With the help of Bad Sister’s persuasive powers, we’d convince everyone that we need to find a safer location.

Step three.  Go to downtown Hartland.  Now when I say downtown, don’t get the image in your head of a large city.  Instead, imagine one main street bordered by three story brick buildings.  That’s downtown Hartland.  That’s where we would set up our fort.  Now, I know in a zombie apocalypse, the surviving humans are equally as dangerous, but I don’t think we’d have to fight off any humans to claim one of these spaces.  Most or all of these buildings are commercial, and not residential.  Also, none of them are grocery or drug stores.  The restaurants down there might have been ransacked, but that’s about it.  I don’t think many people would be congregating in the barber shop, consignment store, or dentist’s office.  Once we are in one of these buildings, we’d find our way up to the highest level.  Once inside the highest level of one of these buildings, we’d secure our entry point, and then look for other exit points in case we need to flee.  By this time, I think it would be about dinner.

Step four.  It probably was a pretty busy day.  I don’t think we would do much more other than maybe play cards before calling it a night.

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVAL SUNDAY – Day Two of my personal The Walking Dead Scenario