There’s something wrong with my upper back. My left shoulder is all jacked up, and now my left arm is going numb at times. I decided that a massage therapist could fix it, so I went to one the other day. As he was attempting to fix me, he asked several times, “When I do this, what’s your pain level on a scale of one to ten?”
I wasn’t ready for this question. I just said, “I think six?”
Today I’ve decided to create a pain level chart for myself, in case I get asked this question again. I’m going to try and connect them to actual painful events in my life.
1. When someone tries to pull my hair. (I’m pretty much bald)
2. Getting shot in my chest or back by a nerf dart gun. This happens daily at my house.
3. Getting shot in the face by a nerf dart gun. That stings a little more. Don’t hurt the moneymaker, kids! This doesn’t happen as often because the kids know I go into full on rage mode after a head shot. Before a back alley fight between newscasters, Ron Burgandy in Anchorman established this rule. “Rule number one. No touching of the hair or face.”
4. Whacking your knee unsuspectedly against a table leg. I hate it when you go to sit down, and hidden beneath the table is the edge of a table leg ready to sabotage you.
5. The sudden pain of razor sharp knees or elbows colliding with my back. For some reason, my children find it hilarious to jump onto me if I am ever lying down on my stomach. They did this once while my head was underneath the sink cabinet because I was replacing the faucet. Those demons!
6. When a strange man digs out cramped muscles in your back.
7. Getting my finger smashed between two bowling balls. That hurt so bad, and it made my nail fall off. I hate it when I can feel my pulse in my throbbing finger.
8. When I bite through my tongue. I got hit in the lower jaw with a baseball once, which caused me to bite down onto my tongue and it split the front of it in half.l
9. The stabbing feeling in the lower right side of my abdomen when my appendix was about to burst. Thankfully it didn’t, but when I woke up from surgery, it still hurt wicked bad.
10. Getting a shot of novocaine directly into my tongue. They had to do this so they could stitch my tongue back together.
So, now I’m prepared for that question. Remember, this is my pain level gauge. I can’t vouch for childbirth, because I’m a man. My father has a great saying about that too. “If it were men who gave birth, the human race would have died out a long time ago.”
Now I ask you, “What’s Your Pain Level?”